11 November, 2004
My dearest, beloved Anne,
Precious, cherished girl, I sit here, almost six months after you left us, still trying so hard to make some sense out of it all. Just now, a small glitter of light pierced through into my muddied mind, and maybe writing it down will help make it clearer.
Your whole life, you were always, always an unexpected, unbelievable, incredible help to me and to so many people, in so many different ways, in almost everything you ever did. I know bits and pieces about some of the other lives you influenced for Good. I wish I knew more, tho.
As for me, you supported the work and contributed to major shiftings in my consciousness. What just dawned on me is that knowing how much help you've been your whole life, even your transition must be a help, too, somehow. I just have to keep looking and I will see how. Please help me see.
To summarize, step-by-step, as best I can remember the milestones in our time together: first of all, the pregnancy itself was a learning experience that both began to prepare me to be a mother and made me more aware of 'reality' -- so much of my life before was theoretical. The pregnancy was a time of expansion of consciousness as well as body, of understanding on new levels, of spiritual growth and connection. Knowing what I now do about the existence of entities on subtle planes, you were there, helping guide me even then.
After going through labor and delivery, the first time the nurse brought you in to my room and we were physically separate and alone together, my heart literally changed, I felt it. It was both a physical and psychological opening. I don't know how else to describe it. You were so incredibly beautiful, from the first moment I saw you. You were miraculous and very, very dear, drawing love from me that I'd never experienced. A sense of responsibility came into my heart, a realization that you needed me in a way no one else in my life ever had, and you depended totally on me, there was no one else but me to be there for you. Somehow, even though it should've been terrifying, I had a knowing that we'd manage, together. We almost always did, didn't we?
This probably seems silly, but one of the things I remember noticing that day about your features was that your tiny nostrils were equilateral triangles! I had the thought, "Wow, I never saw that before, baby's nostrils are triangular!" Well, your nostrils never did change their shape, and I have never since noticed anyone else with that same shape to their nostrils, so I guess that's one small mundane demonstration of how you are and always were unique. Also, I vividly remember your little soft ears that were folded up against your head, so delicate and precious.
As you grew up, you helped me face up to fears that had always had power over me, because with you there, I couldn't give in and hide or run away. You lead me to learn courage, holding me by the hand. We faced things together, and your presence helped me so much. I can only hope that I somehow helped you, too. Now, looking back, I see so many times I wish I'd helped you more than I did.
You provided the catalyst that uprooted me and made me leave home to find a better place for us. We ended up here in Texas at the School, where we found the work of the School. I know in my heart that you played a major part in getting both of us here. You contributed so much to what the School accomplished, too. We must have made an agreement, along with others, before incarnation that we'd come here together and do this service for the planet. It's just too big of a contribution to ignore or blow off as 'coincidence' or 'accidental'. Besides being one of the six original Robert Muller School students (one who got up and got dressed at 2 or 3 am on your first day of school, because you were so thrilled to be going); all the support you provided to ensure Balanced Beginnings was manifested; you always called GEMUN your 'baby'; and countless other contributions. You need to know that your 'baby' GEMUN has now educated thousands of elementary and middle school kids about the United Nations, in the 16 years since we started it from scratch! Can you imagine? :-)
Day-by-day, your presence changed the world in ways we will no doubt never fully know. But, I do know that your presence in my life definitely made me incalculably better, I was forced to begin to turn away from my self-centeredness and learn to empathize. You brought heart energy into my life. It was such a slow process for me, beloved girl, and I'm so sorry not to have done a better job of appreciating you and empathizing with you all these years. There are so many 'if only's in my life now that you are gone .... so many things I wish I had a chance to do over. I can only wonder if that aching will ever come to an end. I do theoretically know better (I've read: 'The only regret that is justifiable is based on failure to learn the lessons of failure,' and I'm trying), and I tell myself to 'cut it out!' when it starts, but still can't manage to get beyond it all the time. I love you beyond words, and will always, all ways, miss you and be grateful for your Being in my Life.
I promise to keep searching my heart and mind for your messages from now on, until I get something, and most likely beyond that, too, because, I don't want to believe you'll be leaving me alone here. I miss you so much, sweetheart.
ps 12/8/04 Anne, this week I heard a great story on npr, and I wanted to share it with you. It was about a 12 year old boy who recently died of AIDS. Before he died, he lived a life of touching people and making them aware, similar to your life, in many ways. One thing he said summarized so much: "Do the best you can with what you have in the time you have in the place you are." That is something that means more to me now that you are gone than it did before you left us, and I can only wish I'd realized more sooner.
Thank you for everything, sweetest girl. m
| « | (index) | » |